Domestic Abuse
The abuser is often self-deceived. In many cases the abusive person has lost the ability to discern between truth and lies. Commonly the abuser does not take responsibility for behaviors. A destructive person lacks the empathy needed to realize that showing love means not damaging or harming others. DARVO is a tactic used to avoid accountability for actions and behaviors (What is the DARVO Tactic, and How Can We Respond?). This strategy is Deny, Attack, Reverse Victim and Offender. Those helping must be aware of this common behavior of maintaining control by destabilizing others. All involved must be wise and know how to detect it and call it out.
The preservation of a marriage should not be above the importance of the people in it. We should not assume that both parties are at fault. It takes two healthy people to make a marriage, but only one to destroy it. Living with an abuser causes the mental and spiritual health of the abused to decline. Over and over again in Scripture, God protected the righteous from the wicked (Psalms 18:48, 140:4). Many fled from persecution and God protected them. Twice Solomon repeats that the prudent foresee evil and hide (Proverbs 22:3, 27:12). This is not advocacy for divorce or families separating permanently, simply recognition that separation may be wise until true repentance, recovery from addictions, and spiritual growth in Godly love have all occurred. Grace is not the absence of consequences. Consequences are tools of grace needed to help the abuser to fully repent and change. Sadly, when genuine repentance is not present, some consequences become permanent. We honor God when we uphold His unchanging principles and call and treat unrighteous acts as sin (Colossians 3:1-11).
Immediate Help
We encourage anyone in need of help to reach out to local authorities or national services:
UNITED STATES
National Domestic Violence Hotline
Call 1-800-799-7233 or text START to 88788
https://www.thehotline.org
CANADA
Crisis Services Canada
Call 988 or text 988
https://988.ca/
Canadian Women’s Foundation
https://canadianwomen.org/
AUSTRALIA:
National Sexual Assault, Family, and Domestic Violence Counseling
Call 1-800-RESPECT
https://www.lifeline.org.au
How the Ecclesia Can Help
Domestic abuse behaviors must not be tolerated within ecclesias. The ecclesia has the responsibility to show love and compassion when one of the flock is hurting and in danger (1 John 3:16-18). It is imperative for every local ecclesia to become educated in the signs of domestic abuse as well as how to wisely help. The best-case scenario is for every ecclesia to proactively establish a protocol and plan addressing domestic abuse. (Example: Cumberland Ecclesial Policy) Failure to report abuse is a crime and can lead to fines or jail time, depending on the province or state. The occurrences of domestic abuse, like every other sin, are increasing in the last days (Romans 1:24-32, 2 Timothy 3:1-5).
Almost one in two women (59 million) and more than four in ten men (52.1 million) in the United States reported contact sexual violence, physical violence, and/or stalking by an intimate partner at some point in their lifetime.[1] These staggering statistics alone should sound the trumpet of alarm. It is rare for someone to speak lies about abuse, because it takes such strength and courage to speak up about it.
Harsh, degrading comments about a spouse or child in public may be the tip of the iceberg of abuse happening elsewhere. Recognizing the signs may be the first step, but further education on how to help is also necessary. Just as God is a refuge for us in times of trouble, so we should be for others. We can provide the survivor(s) the necessities of life, such as compassion, food, shelter, and healthcare. It takes time to heal. We need to know how to give ongoing spiritual and physical support in a loving and compassionate way. Often the abuser has deep-seated wounds that are in need of healing as well, and these should be attended to with wise counsel.
At times the situation can be complicated, requiring wisdom, discretion, patience, longsuffering, and humility to support. Too easily we can slap Bible verses on to situations and wrong the survivor. We can also oversimplify Bible principles to shame survivors into returning to their abusive situation. We are called to empathize with others in their pain and help them as if we were in their shoes needing the same help (Galatians 6:2, Romans 12:15). We should do our utmost to relieve, not increase, the suffering, shame, and dishonor the survivor is experiencing. Asking for outside professional help may be needed and prayerfully sought.
The Reality of Domestic Abuse
As believers we aspire to relationships founded on love and service to others. This aspiration is based on the example of Jesus’ life of service, sacrificial death, and instruction. In particular he gave this command to his disciples saying, “A new command I give you: Love one another. As I have loved you, so you must love one another” (John 13:34). Loving as Jesus loved us is the high calling of every believer (Ephesians 4:29, 32).
Domestic abuse is completely antithetical to this command of Christ. We would like to think since we profess to be followers of Jesus that there would not be domestic violence in our midst. Devastatingly, that is not the case. This is not a new problem. There was a solid reason for Paul, in his own time, to instruct all ecclesias that their bishops were to be nonviolent (1 Timothy 3:3, Titus 1:7). We need to remember that where the flesh nature is, there is also the propensity for all kinds of sin. Since the first two sons were born on this earth, there have been those who know God but who act in harmful and violent ways against others.
Even in some ecclesial settings, there are those who develop patterns of ungodly power-wielding and manipulation. In family life, the opportunity exists for one party to gain or maintain power and control over another through a pattern of abuse. Domestic abuse includes physical, sexual, emotional, economic, psychological, or technological actions or threats of actions of coercive behavior that influence another person. This can be through mind-games, bullying, name-calling, criticism, intimidation, belittling, manipulation, humiliation, isolation, threatening, injuring, and physical attacks.
Domestic abuse is experienced when one member of the family repetitively tears down the worth of another. It is a fallacy that just because physical violence has not happened that domestic abuse is not present. A common statement from a victim may be, “But he never hit me.” Sadly, a lot of abuse at the hands of a family member can go undetected because of the lack of physical injury. Where evil and self-seeking exist, so does confusion (James 3:16). In addition, emotional injury can have longer-lasting damage and effects than physical pain.
The use of coercive threats and force in a familial relationship is a form of domestic abuse. Intimidation, insults, gaslighting, and monitoring can be involved to gain control. It is especially oppressive and domineering with patterns of threat, which make it very difficult for the abused to challenge the abuser and/or find safety. The fear it causes strips their freedom to speak truth. Often the abused individual is made to feel that the abuse is their fault.
Such behaviors must not be tolerated or ignored within ecclesias or families. Abuse is the complete opposite of agape love. Each of us is precious in the sight of our Heavenly Father and His Son. He deeply cares about the well-being of all His children. He detests the harm one can do to another (Proverbs 6:16-19). Jesus’s foremost teachings were to love God and love our neighbor as ourselves. God sees when we fall short of loving our family members. In marriage, God asks us to be like His Son to our spouse (Colossians 3:12-16, 1 Thessalonians 5:14). God notices the oppressed (Psalm 146:5-9) and will deliver the suffering (Psalm 37:39-40).
Parents are called by God to protect their children and be their spiritual guides. When abuse happens, healthy childhood development is destroyed. Childhood abuse has lifelong effects. If abuse has happened, it is in the children's best interest to receive help as soon as possible.
References
1. ^ Leemis R.W., Friar N., Khatiwada S., Chen M.S., Kresnow M., Smith S.G., Caslin, S., & Basile, K.C. (2022).The National Intimate Partner and Sexual Violence Survey: 2016/2017 Report on Intimate Partner Violence. Atlanta, GA: National Center for Injury Prevention and Control, Centers for Disease Control and Prevention. https://www.cdc.gov/nisvs/documentation/NISVSReportonIPV_2022.pdf
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Helpful Resources Related to Domestic Abuse
A compilation of researched books, podcasts, videos, and other literature that may be helpful or edifying, regarding God's Word related to this subject matter.