Singleness: Being Unmarried for Life
Understanding the Journey
Someone might therefore ask why we would ever contemplate denying ourselves these things when they are natural and good, or “what is wrong” with people who aren’t married. Rather than add misunderstanding to a single person’s situation, let’s consider why a person might be single and what is comforting and supportive to them.
A person may choose not to be married because they never meet the “right” believer. They may not understand why God is not leading them to a partner, even when they are praying. In my own experience, and I suspect for many other single people, a possible spouse has come along that turned out not to be interested in the ways of God. In our schools and workplaces, most eligible people we meet would expect physical consummation before marriage; don’t see anything wrong with cohabitating or divorce after marriage; and, especially, aren’t charting their life’s journey with God’s word. Online dating (through some sites) does allow parameters to be set, but there is no guarantee of the person’s intent. Making the choice to give up a relationship with someone not committed to following Christ or having the other person reject you for your faith will be difficult and result in a time of private grief. If you are in this situation, or you are unsure whether to give up a relationship despite your longing to be married, it is very important to walk through it with a trusted friend, especially someone who may have walked the path before you. Do not try to minimize the way you feel, blame yourself or look down on yourself for being single, and do not worry about your future prospects, but trust in God. Proverbs 3:5-8 describes a process for decision-making and for moving forward:
“Trust in Yahweh with all your heart, and do not lean on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make straight your paths. Be not wise in your own eyes: fear Yahweh, and turn away from evil. It will be healing to your flesh, and refreshment to your bones.”
If you are looking to encourage a person of any age who is single, especially those who are young, focusing on their service and role in the ecclesia or to others can be very appreciated. This helps a person realize they belong and matter to others and also affirms their faithful choice. Saying well-meaning things like, “Your time will come,” or “You just haven’t found the right one yet” is not generally helpful, because they may not be true.
Called for a Purpose
Most believers will marry, but some will not. In Matthew 19 (ESV), Jesus gives three reasons why a person (specifically, a eunuch) may not marry: they may be born that way, they are made eunuchs of men or they have made themselves eunuchs “for the kingdom of heaven’s sake” (v. 12). Not all those called to follow Jesus as his disciples will have the opportunity of marriage.
Matthew 19 later records two examples of a person asked to forsake or forego something that affords temporal happiness: In the first example Jesus instructed a young man, “if you would be perfect, go, sell what you possess and give to the poor, and you will have treasure in heaven” (vs. 21). In the second, Peter tells Jesus that the disciples “left everything and followed you” (vs. 27). Jesus responds by saying that a disciple will be rewarded if they make a sacrifice to follow the commandments of Christ: “everyone who has left houses or brothers or sisters or father or mother or children or lands, for my name’s sake, will receive a hundredfold and will inherit eternal life” (vs. 29).
Thus, within the context of these verses, singleness can be viewed as a sacrifice of temporal happiness a believer may be called upon to make in this life. At the same time, Jesus assures the believer that their sacrifice, whether it be of marriage or close family relationships, will be magnified by one hundred times, and for eternity.
Why can singlehood be a sacrifice? For each person, the reasons may vary in what is difficult to give up or be denied, but they may include companionship and intimacy; unfulfilled physical desires (following God’s law that marriage or celibacy are the only options); having and raising children; and someone to share the load of the daily cares of life. Most social conversations – from school to workplace – revolve around family life or the things people do with those with whom they live. Being seen as “not complete” or “missing something” is a perception a single person may feel or have projected onto them by others. Speaking as a middle-aged single believer, it is easy to doubt one’s intrinsic worthiness or lovability, both core aspects of what it means to feel happy and successful in life.
Living Single with Faith
Let’s consider now the outcomes of being single for life. Most long-term singles will experience some or all of the following challenges:
loneliness
the sense of being an outsider, of not belonging
grief at not having children
guilt: such as should I have prayed differently, made more of an effort to meet someone, or because physical boundaries were crossed.
times of being overwhelmed at relying on yourself for every decision and feeling no one cares what you do
sorrow because of a lost relationship
exhaustion from repeated dashed hopes
the challenge of waiting patiently
the lack of a ‘support system’ for daily trials
These are things inside the mind and heart that are not necessarily exclusive to singles, and the good news is there is solace for each of them. I once read that “friendship is the highest form of fellowship,” and many single people are blessed with friends who fulfil their needs. When we look at single people in the Bible whose life incidents are shared, we can notice that God provided exceptional friends to support them:
Jephthah’s daughter – her friends “commemorated” with her each year
Daniel – his three friends Shadrach, Meschech and Abednego
Jeremiah – his friends Ebedmelech and Baruch
Jesus – his apostles and Martha, Mary and Lazarus and his mother Mary
Paul – Aquila and Priscilla, to name just two
Also, the Scriptures contain many words of comfort that can counter these challenging thoughts and feelings. Read psalms that echo the mind of Christ, who faced his trials alone, in a personal way, such as Psalm 27; 84; 116; and portions of Psalm 119 such as vss. 25-43 (Daleth) or 145-152 (Koph). As well, I have found it very comforting to remember that I am never alone or unloved: that God called me out of darkness because He loved me and God loves you too.
As a single person, you have freedom of movement and likely more time to devote to service, which is a great antidote to selfishness, self-pity or boredom. There are fulfilling roles in the ecclesia or household which do not relate to being married. Discovering how you can serve and thrive can help with another issue too: learning to be content. Thinking that singlehood is a ‘curse’ or that marriage is the fix to one’s problems leads to unhappiness or anxiety and away from contentment. Paul learned to be content in whatever state he found himself, and whether married or single, we too will be able to say, “I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me” (Philippians 4:11, 13 [NKJV]).
If you’re in a position to serve someone who is single, consider practical ways: do you have a financial or ‘fix-it’ talent to share; can you invite them over for a meal or to participate in a family gathering; do you have children they would enjoy getting to know; can you drive with them to an ecclesial function. Small, casual, targeted acts of inclusion keep a single person feeling that they matter and are a part of a group.
Receiving a Hundredfold
So, what do single believers yearn for most that they do not have? A family of their own. In this life, God has provided the ecclesia as a family and haven, through the love and welcome of its members.
Let’s come back to the promise named in Matthew 19: that faithful single believers will be given what they did not have magnified by one hundred times, and for eternity.
In Isaiah 55:1, everyone without money is invited to buy wine and milk without price – each is offered a gift. In verse 3, this gift is named as God making “an everlasting covenant with you, even the sure mercies of David.” In 2 Samuel 7, God first promised David these “sure mercies”: that David would have a son who would build a house for God’s name and establish the throne of his kingdom forever. In one word house, God means two senses: a building (the Temple, a haven for worship and togetherness) and a family.
Therefore, in Isaiah 56, when we read that our loving God pinpoints single believers (eunuchs) as recipients of this eternal gift, let us notice the facets of this promise he chooses to share, and be full of hope:
Let not the eunuch say, “Behold, I am a dry tree.” For thus says the LORD: “To the eunuchs who keep my Sabbaths, who choose the things that please me and hold fast my covenant, I will give in my house and within my walls a monument and a name better than sons and daughters; I will give them an everlasting name that shall not be cut off... these I will bring to my holy mountain, and make them joyful in my house of prayer; their burnt offerings and their sacrifices will be accepted on my altar; for my house shall be called a house of prayer for all peoples” (vss. 3-5, 7).
Called, Yet Not Alone.
-
Singleness
Both marriage and singleness are addressed within Scripture as part of God’s design for His people. While marriage is described as a blessing, singleness is neither an error nor a failure, but a circumstance through which faithful service and spiritual growth can flourish. Thoughtful reflection on this subject can help ecclesias respond with greater understanding and compassion.
-
Helpful Resources Related to Singleness
A compilation of researched books, podcasts, videos, and other literature that may be helpful or edifying, regarding God's Word related to this subject matter.